Tips for Parents: When Your Child with ADHD hits

Imagine this scenario: after a long day, you are sitting with your child, trying to help them with homework, when suddenly, they lash out—hitting you in frustration. This may, or may not be the first time, but either way, you’re left feeling shocked, hurt, and wondering what caused this aggressive behavior. 

As a parent of a child with ADHD that has begun to show signs of aggression, these moments can be emotionally overwhelming. You might be asking yourself, Why is this happening? How can I help my child? What did we do wrong? 

The answer is nothing and you’re not alone. 

Many parents face this challenge, and it is important to approach it with empathy, patience, and understanding. While that can be extremely hard to do when you feel pressured by family, friends, colleagues, and society to “fix” the problem, a more holistic approach will help you see results faster and more long-term.

I’ve worked with many students in schools that exhibit these behaviors both in and out of the classroom. These students often feel shame around their behavior. That’s one thing we definitely don’t want your child to feel, so this blog post will give you tips for getting to the root cause of the behavior while maintaining a strong bond with your child so you can continue nurturing them.

This guide will give you, as a parent of a children with ADHD, practical strategies to manage your child’s aggression and create a more peaceful home environment. We’ll discuss the connection between ADHD and aggression, the importance of emotional regulation, and ways to prevent or handle angry outbursts when they happen.

In this post, you’ll learn how to:

• Understand ADHD and its connection to physical aggression.
• Implement positive reinforcement and other strategies to reduce aggression.
• Manage your emotions as a parent, so you can respond calmly and constructively.
• Identify common triggers for aggression and how to avoid or address them.
• Use effective tools and techniques to promote positive behavior and emotional regulation.

What is ADHD?

ADHD, or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, is a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects a child’s ability to regulate attention, impulses, and emotions. While the main symptoms of ADHD—such as inattention, impulsivity, and hyperactivity—are commonly understood and discussed, it’s important to also recognize how these symptoms contribute to challenging behaviors, including aggression.

Common Symptoms of ADHD:

• Inattention: Difficulty focusing, easily distracted.
• Impulsivity: Acting without thinking, difficulty waiting their turn.
• Hyperactivity: Excessive energy, fidgeting, or being unable to sit still.

Every child is unique and their journey with ADHD will look different. However, children with ADHD may struggle to regulate their emotions and behavior, which can sometimes lead to physical aggression or angry outbursts. For these kids, managing big emotions can be really difficult, and aggression may be their attempt to express feelings they can’t yet communicate effectively. Of course hitting and aggression in any form isn’t acceptable, but knowing why these behaviors arise can help us approach this highly emotionable situation with a little more empathy and help us zoom out.

What Happens When Children with ADHD Become Aggressive?

Aggressive behaviors in children with ADHD may include hitting, yelling, throwing objects, or verbal aggression. These behaviors are often triggered by frustration, sensory overload, or unmet needs. For example, when children with ADHD feel overstimulated or frustrated because they can’t get their message across, they might lash out. For parents, this can create difficult situations, leading to stress, confusion, and feelings of guilt or frustration.

Common Triggers for Aggressive Behavior:

• Sensory overload: Too much noise or stimulation can overwhelm a child.
• Frustration: Difficulty in completing tasks or not being understood.
• Lack of emotional regulation: Difficulty processing or expressing emotions appropriately.
• Unmet needs: Hunger, tiredness, or needing a break can also lead to outbursts.

The Emotional Experience of Parenting an Aggressive Child

Parenting a child with ADHD and aggressive behavior can be utterly draining. Parents may feel isolated, ashamed, or like they are failing. These emotions are natural, but it’s important to understand that you are not alone. Many families face similar challenges and have the same feelings as you. When your child’s behavior feels overwhelming, it’s so important to acknowledge your feelings without judgment.

It’s very common for parents to experience anger issues themselves, especially when dealing with power struggles and temper tantrums. In these moments, it’s important to practice self-care and seek support, whether it’s through support groups, professional help, or simply taking a moment to breathe deeply and refocus.

Avoiding Power Struggles with Your ADHD Child

Power struggles can be a common and exhausting experience for parents, especially when dealing with a child who has ADHD. These battles often occur when both parent and child become locked in a cycle of escalating demands and refusals, with neither side willing to back down. Understanding what power struggles are, recognizing the signs, and knowing how to avoid or exit them can help you create a more peaceful and cooperative environment at home.

What is a Power Struggle?

A power struggle happens when a parent and child both try to assert control in a situation, leading to more conflict and making it even harder to resolve the problem. For children with ADHD, their difficulty with impulse control, frustration tolerance, and emotional regulation can make these situations even more common and intense. 

Instead of resolving the issue, power struggles often escalate the problem, leaving everyone feeling drained, frustrated, and disconnected. The good news? Once you learn to recognize them, you can easily get out and prevent them from happening in the first place. 

Signs You’re in a Power Struggle

Recognizing when you’re engaged in a power struggle is the first step toward addressing it and stopping them. Common signs include:

• Repeating yourself: Saying the same thing over and over in an attempt to enforce your point.
• Bargaining: Offering rewards or punishments mid-conflict to try to sway your child.
• Raising your voice: Becoming louder or more forceful in an attempt to gain compliance.
• Feeling stuck: Realizing you’re arguing over something minor but not knowing how to stop.
• Refusing to back down: Being more focused on “winning” the argument than resolving the issue.

How to Get Out of a Power Struggle

If you find yourself in the middle of a power struggle, the goal is to de-escalate and reset the situation. Here are some effective strategies:

1. Change the Channel:
   • Shift focus to something unrelated to the argument. For example, mention a favorite activity, suggest playing a quick game, or ask a silly question like, “What’s your favorite dinosaur?” This redirection helps diffuse tension.
2. Take a Reset Break:
   • Go outside for a quick breath of fresh air.
   • Rinse your face or your child’s hands with cool water to break the cycle.
   • Take a sip of water: This small action can act as a calming reset for both of you.
3. Use Humor:
   • Sometimes a well-timed joke or funny face can lighten the mood and break the cycle of conflict.
4. Acknowledge Feelings:
   • Validate your child’s emotions by saying something like, “I see you’re really upset right now. Let’s take a second and figure this out together.”
5. Pause the Conversation:
   • If the situation feels too heated, say, “Let’s take a break and come back to this later.” This gives everyone time to calm down and regroup.

How to Prevent Power Struggles

While it’s impossible to avoid every single conflict, you can reduce the likelihood of power struggles by creating an environment with clear expectations and strategies for success.

1. Set Non-Negotiables:
   • Identify a few “non-negotiable” rules, such as no hitting, respectful language, or no screen time until toys are picked up. Stick to these rules consistently, so your child knows they’re not up for debate.
2. Define Clear Consequences:
   • Have a system of natural and logical consequences in place. For example, if a child refuses to clean up their toys, the toys are put away for the day. Make sure consequences are communicated clearly in advance.
3. Offer Choices:
   • Giving children choices helps them feel a sense of control and reduces their need to push back. For instance, say, “Would you like to do your homework now or after dinner?” Learn more about giving choices here.
4. Create Predictable Routines:
   • Consistent schedules help children with ADHD feel secure. When they know what to expect, they’re less likely to challenge authority.
5. Avoid Power Struggle Triggers:
   • Recognize patterns that lead to conflict, like times when your child is overtired, hungry, or overstimulated. Address these needs proactively by maintaining regular meals, breaks, and downtime.
6. Build in Breaks:
   • Offer sensory breaks or calming activities, such as quiet reading, squeezing a stress ball, or jumping on a trampoline, to help your child release pent-up energy and frustration.
7. Stay Calm and Consistent:
   • Model the behavior you want to see in your child. When you remain calm and predictable, it’s easier for your child to follow suit.
8. Practice Open Communication:
   • Talk to your child during calm moments about rules and expectations. Encourage them to express their feelings and ask questions, which helps them feel heard and reduces the need for defiance.

Understanding Aggression as a Developmental Behavior

For children with ADHD, aggression is often linked to difficulties in emotional regulation and impulse control. These children might struggle to express their emotions in appropriate ways, leading to physical violence or verbal aggression. Reframing aggression as a developmental behavior helps parents view these incidents not as intentional misbehavior, but as an opportunity to guide their child in learning emotional intelligence and social skills.

Why Aggression Happens in ADHD Kids:

• Developmental delays: Difficulty managing emotions due to age-appropriate developmental stages.
• Frustration: When children with ADHD can’t communicate their needs or regulate emotions.
• Lack of coping skills: Children with ADHD may not yet know how to express anger in appropriate ways.

Managing Your Own Emotions as a Parent

As a parent, it’s crucial to manage your own emotions when dealing with your child’s aggression. Self-regulation is key—when you remain calm, you model positive emotional responses for your child. In these challenging moments, remember that how you react can influence your child’s behavior in the future.

Techniques for Staying Composed:

• Deep breath: Take a slow, deep breath to center yourself.
• Pause: If needed, step away for a moment to regain your composure.
• Positive self-talk: Remind yourself that this situation is difficult but manageable.

By staying calm, you can avoid escalating the situation and guide your child through the emotions they’re feeling.

De-Escalation Strategies for Parents

When a child with ADHD becomes aggressive, it’s important to de-escalate the situation quickly to prevent harm and restore calm. Here are some positive behavior strategies for diffusing aggression:

Step-by-Step De-Escalation Techniques:

1. Remain calm: Avoid reacting with anger. Your calm demeanor helps your child feel safe.
2. Use a neutral tone: Speak gently and keep your body language relaxed.
3. Validate your child’s feelings: Acknowledge that you understand they are upset, but make it clear that hitting is not an acceptable way to express those feelings.
4. Redirect attention: Offer an alternative activity or direct your child to a quiet place where they can calm down.
5. Set clear boundaries: Let your child know that hitting is not okay, but reassure them that you will help them find better ways to express their feelings next time.

Identifying Triggers and Understanding Your Child’s Needs

Every child is unique, and understanding the specific triggers that lead to aggression is crucial for prevention. Tracking your child’s behavior with a journal can help identify patterns, such as times when they are most likely to hit or become aggressive. This insight will allow you to prepare for challenging situations before they escalate.

How to Identify Specific Triggers:

• Behavioral journal: Record incidents of aggression and look for patterns.
• Observe environmental factors: Are there any external factors contributing to the behavior, such as sensory overload or screen time?
• Look for signs of emotional distress: Does your child get more aggressive when they are tired, hungry, or overstimulated?

By understanding these patterns, you can avoid situations that may lead to aggression, or at least prepare your child in advance with coping strategies.

Should You Use Consequences?

Many parents wonder whether consequences are effective in stopping aggressive behavior. Natural consequences, which are directly related to the behavior, are often more effective than imposed consequences. 

For example, if your child throws a toy in anger, the natural consequence might be that the toy is taken away for a short period depending on their age and development. This teaches your child that actions have outcomes, and helps them connect their behavior to the consequence. 

Imposed consequences tend to be arbitrary and don’t necessarily relate to the behavior. For example, if a child throws the toy, they can’t watch their favorite show. While this may be motivating for some children, it doesn’t directly relate to the behavior. 

Best Practices for Implementing Consequences:

• Be consistent: Apply the same consequence every time the behavior occurs.
• Keep it proportional: Ensure the consequence matches the severity of the behavior.
• Use consequences as teaching moments: Help your child understand why the behavior was inappropriate and guide them toward better choices.

Five Ways to Support a Child Who Hits

1. Teach self-regulation skills: Help your child practice breathing techniques, mindfulness, or identifying their emotions.
2. Be consistent: Set clear rules and stick to them, so your child knows what to expect.
3. Reinforce positive behaviors: Praise your child when they use positive strategies to manage their emotions.
4. Create predictable routines: Establish clear daily schedules to reduce anxiety and stress.
5. Provide sensory breaks: Encourage physical activities like jumping on a trampoline or squeezing a stress ball to release energy in a safe way.

Avoiding power struggles is about shifting from a “battle for control” to a collaborative relationship. By recognizing the signs of a power struggle, using strategies to reset the situation, and establishing a home environment with clear rules and consistent routines, you can reduce conflict and foster a stronger connection with your child.

It’s not about “winning” or “losing” but finding ways to guide your child toward emotional regulation and positive behavior while maintaining your own calm and confidence.

Parenting a child with ADHD and aggressive behavior is undoubtedly challenging, but by understanding the causes of aggression and implementing strategies to manage it, you can create a more positive family environment. Remember, behavior change takes time, and progress may be slow. Stay patient and persistent, and don’t hesitate to seek professional help from a child psychologist or clinical psychologist if you need additional support.

If aggression continues or worsens, consider working with an ADHD specialist to develop a treatment plan tailored to your child’s needs. With the right strategies, you can help your child build emotional regulation skills, improve their social interactions, and reduce aggressive behavior. Getting support can be a fundamental aspect of your journey and one that leads to greater understanding and confidence in parenting your child. Just like all parenting, having an aggressive child means you’re learning a whole new skillset. If it doesn’t feel intuitive. or natural, don’t worry. The more you use the tools I’ve outlined above, the more they’ll begin to get easier and easier.  

Want help from me? This is something I support both in the classroom and at home. If you or your child’s teachers are struggling, check out this blog for additional supports.  

Working with your child and their aggression isn’t about perfection. It’s about understanding the root cause, being able to support your child with their emotions, and learning how to adjust your response that will lead to a more positive outcome. It takes time and lots of mistakes along the way, but you will get there!