5 Tips for De-Escalating Intense Behaviors

You know that moment when the room goes from calm to chaos in seconds? One minute your students are working quietly, and the next a pencil flies across the room, a chair screeches back, or a student’s voice rises louder than everyone else’s. Your heart rate spikes, your brain scrambles for the “right” response, and all eyes are suddenly on you. I’m going to be honest- these types of challenging behaviors are NOT something we are taught in college.

But the truth of the matter is, these intense behaviors do happen, even in the best-run classrooms. What matters most isn’t eliminating them (because let’s be honest, that’s impossible many times), but how you respond in the moment. De-escalation is less about controlling a child and more about keeping everyone safe, preserving relationships, and giving students the chance to get back on track. 

In this post, we’ll walk through 5 practical tips for de-escalation techniques for intense behaviors so you can feel more prepared and confident the next time you are in a stressful situation. 

When To Use These Tips

These tips should be used when a child is escalated. That may look different depending on your student. Some students are loud, yell, and are physical. Some are quieter and demonstrate more refusal. These different techniques will help students when they are unable to stay in their “thinking brain” and rationally work through their problems with you. Our goal for this time is to simply get the students back to being regulated. It is not time to fix or clarify events. These tips will also work for typical students or students in special education programs.

Tip #1: Stay Calm Yourself

Easier said than done, right? But honestly this has to be the first step.  When a student’s behavior is spiraling, your natural reaction might be to raise your voice, step in quickly, or tense up. But here’s the thing: kids feed off the energy in the room. If you escalate, they escalate. If you stay steady, you model the calm they can borrow from you. If you are not calm yourself, your own emotions will start to take over and you may react in a fight or flight response. This means you will not respond in the best way, you may harm your relationship or the situation could become more escalated. 

Take a slow breath before responding. If you are entering the situation, take three slow breaths before you even enter.

• Place your hand on your heart to bring yourself back to center.
• Lower your voice instead of raising it (sometimes even whispering can grab attention).
• Relax your shoulders be aware of your body language- do a brief body scan. If you start to clench your fists or cross your arms actively be aware of this and keep an open stance. This can help you stay regulated as well as not be perceived by the child as a threat.
• Remind yourself: This is about regulation, not winning a battle. This is not the time to win a power struggle- because no one will win.
• Have a mantra- something you can remind yourself to stay level headed. I like to say “This is happening in front of me, not to me” or “We have been here before and gotten through it, we can do it again.”

Think of yourself as the thermostat in the classroom. You set the temperature. If you keep yourself cool, you’re signaling to your students that the environment is safe, steady, and under control, even when things feel intense.  This is for both yourself, the student in crisis as well as the other students that may be in the classroom seeing the situation as well. You are the calm presence in your classroom. It conveys to the other students that this classroom is a safe space even when students have big emotions.

Tip #2: Give Space & Reduce or Alter Demands

When a student is escalated, their brain isn’t in “learning mode.” They can’t process long explanations, corrections, or questions in that moment. Pushing harder—“Look at me,” “Sit down right now,” “Why are you acting like this?” usually makes things worse. Many times teachers like to remind students of the consequences of their behaviors, “If you keep throwing the books, you are going to have to clean it up during recess.”  This does not support the goal that is to simply get the student to become regulated in the moment. Are there going to be consequences, possibly- but now is not the time to remind them of them.

Instead, focus on removing pressure. Step back physically, soften your presence, and cut your directions down to the bare minimum. A calm, simple cue is more effective than a string of instructions.

What it could actually look like when you are trying to de-escalate conflicts:

• Take a step back to give the student physical space. When students have school staff in their personal space, they can view it as a threat even if it is a caring adult.
• Limit words: instead of “Please stop yelling and sit down so we can continue the math lesson,” try “When you’re ready, I am here for you”
• Reduce eye contact if it seems to escalate the student. It is important to make the appropriate eye contact because again students can see prolonged eye contact as a threat and continue to escalate.
• Avoid rapid-fire questions or lecturing to figure out what happened to trigger the behavior, save the problem-solving for later.
• If a student is refusing to do their math worksheet and are starting to rip it up, do not remind them it is an expectation. Completely drop the expectation of completing the work. 

When kids feel cornered, their natural response is to fight harder. By giving them space (both physical and emotional), you’re giving them the chance to cool down without feeling trapped. By reducing demands it does not mean that you are letting them get out of the work but you are addressing our main goal which is to get the student regulated again.

Tip #3: Offer Choices

One of the fastest ways to de-escalate a situation is to hand back a little control. When students are upset, they often feel powerless, and that fuels the behavior. By offering a choice, you shift the dynamic: instead of a power struggle, it becomes a chance for them to take ownership of their next step. This can be HARD for teachers to wrap their head around because it can feel like the student is ‘winning.’ However, we have to go back to our original goal: just to get the student back to backline.  Once the escalation cycle has ended and they are in recovery we can address and teach better ways. Now is not that time.

How this could look:

• When a student is yelling– Instead of: “Stop yelling right now!” Try: “Would you like to take a break in the calm corner, or sit quietly with your head down at your desk.”
• When a student is refusing to do their work–  Instead of: “You need to finish this now or during recess.” Try: “Do you want to do the first three problems now and finish the rest later, or start with just the odds?” 
• When a student is starting to lose control physically– Instead of: “Sit down and stop moving!”  Try: “You can walk a lap around the classroom or squeeze a stress ball.”

Sometimes choices are confused with threats. Here is another blog post that dives deeper into offering choices for students in a supportive way.

Tip #4: Limit Conversation

This one is another one that is tough for teachers. And not in a bad way- more in the way that we are programmed to help students try to fix their problems. However, fixing the problem is not going to work in these situations. When a student is escalated, words can feel like fuel on the fire. Long explanations, stern lectures, or rapid-fire questions often overwhelm a dysregulated brain. Instead, keep your communication short, neutral, and—whenever possible—non-verbal. Sometimes silence is your best tool. 

What this will look like when a student is escalated:

• They are mad over a situation, but they have the details wrong. Do not correct them or try to get them to hear what actually happened- they are not going to care. It is their reality whether they perceived the incident wrong or not. 
• Instead of using verbal language, come up with a hang signal for communication- maybe an ASL symbol for the sensory room. This way the student can visual, because when they are in this heightened state, they are not able to process your language.
• Using visuals among staff members. Many times there are more than one adult in these challenging situations. Instead of communicating with each other using verbal language- use pictures. Consider having visuals like “I need to swap out.” “Get the nurse” “Get the social worker” and more so you do not need to add conversation.

Tip 5: Use Active Listening

Active listening is a skill that is hard, and it does take a lot of practice. Many times, active listening can de-escalate situations before they get to an unsafe point.

When a student is in crisis, they often feel misunderstood, unheard, or out of control. Sometimes the fastest way to help de-escalate is simply to show them that you’re listening. Active listening doesn’t mean agreeing with their behavior—it means reflecting back their feelings so they feel seen and safe. It is important that the way the student feels is identified and valued.   When giving these statements you also need to be aware of your own tone of voice, because if you are not calm yourself I can guarantee these will come out differently than you intend.

How this could sound:

• Repeat or reframe what you hear and match the emotion:
  • Student: “This is so stupid, I hate math!”
    Teacher: “You’re feeling really frustrated with this assignment.”
• Acknowledge the emotion, not just the words: “It sounds like you’re really angry right now.”
• Use calm, short phrases to show understanding: “I hear you.” “I’m sorry” “That is frustrating.”

Again, none of these phrases are saying the behaviors they are engaging in are okay. However, the student’s feelings are okay. They are allowed to get mad. What they are not allowed to do is put their hands on other students or adults.  Remember the goal for de-escalating student behavior is to get them back to baseline. It is not to correct them, get them to reason, or teach them what they should have done instead.

Here is an entire blog post that really dives into how to use active listening in all parts of the school day.

De-escalating intense behaviors isn’t about never having students engaging in these behaviors. It also does not mean you are a bad teacher.  Intense behaviors are challenging and you deserve to have practical strategies that you can use at a moments notice.

By staying calm yourself, giving students space, using non-verbal cues, offering safe choices, and practicing active listening in the moment, you’re showing kids that their big feelings don’t have to turn into big explosions. These are all proven effective de-escalation strategies that can be used from elementary children to young adults to older adults in your own life!

Believe it or not, every crisis is also a chance to build trust. The way you respond teaches your students that even when emotions run high, they’re still safe, supported, and cared for. That sense of safety is what helps them come back to regulation—and eventually, to learning.

If you need more support with de escalation strategies, classroom management, or behavior management in general- check out my membership The Behavior Support Hub. You will get trainings, additional supports, and a community that will support you when you are handing these behaviors.